Light/Dark

To open up one's heart. That's scary.

When I got home from an Intense Experience, I was to change my clothes before I got to sleep. I usually don't mid what shirt I am to wear, long as it is a shirt, it's all good.

But this day was different.

I got this "comfy" shirt (I call it comfy because, it has holes everywhere, air can breeze my body), and realized that all this time, that shirt always made me feel safe. The shirt made me look bad so that people won't believe me. It was all about staying in a space where people can leave me alone.

It was my 3 year story when I got into a company that changes companies :o actually they don't. They only make people aware of their choices in their lives and gives the people responsibility towards whatever the result may be.

In this company, you are rarely given a chance to change other people's lives. It is because, people have to make their lives work first before changing other people. But hey! who said we change them, all we can change is ourselves, and I believe that wounded as everyone is, that person can still inspire other people to move forward.

I believed.

And so, though my life didn't work, I held into a quote, "Fake it until you make it". I faked it... Feeling that I was already alright, that I am good but actually, I wasn't.

Though... I am good... I was still able to coach other people...

Coaching dragged me into my immense darkness, how my anger can hurt, how my lies can inflict pain etc. and people's expectations around me aroused the darkness again, by actually forgetting about myself and going into the pleasing mode where I found myself so lost... I've never experienced myself so detached to myself. I was a zombie.

And as a zombie, I was so hard with myself and the people around me, but like in any other choice, this undead feeling gave me the gene to make bulls eye feedbacks about other people's pain and misery and drama etc. Because hello? I'm in it.

This zombie made great feats and had some friends, but because I am never content, like a vampire longing for blood, frenzied by this inner disgust in life, I still kept my true self locked away.

Until finally, a certain journey made me feel as if I was actually alive.

This journey to outer space made me feel that life was actually beautiful, limitless and just is. This is the journey where I found myself surrendering to the infinity within. I remember the last part of the Intense experience I had. So many people loved me and it was that message from God that told me, you cannot possibly imagine how immense my love is, here have a taste of it. :)

That powerful experience immediately unlocked all the things that the inner me can give. That inner self who is not afraid, who is vulnerable, who cries because of joy, who is loved, who is celebrated and who is so loving and powerful, who is God's speck of his Glorious Love.

Yes, I am a speck of light. :) of God's light. That light that once gave me a chance to live again. Speck? it's so small... yes it is... because that day, I remember GOD showing me how His is so big and so powerful. Speck? Yes it is! A speck that will soon inspire other specks to show their light until everyone is so luminous, we'll make our God proud.

This Light in me, gave me a chance to love again, to be loved, to give and to receive, to serve and to love more and more and more each day.

That's why when I got home, I didn't choose the shirt that was so messed up, I am over my zombie days, but I would like to acknowledge that phase in my life where I learned to be surrounded by so much darkness and yet finding my way back into love. That was the time I learned about other people's hurts and pains in order for my light to be a light of compassion and love.

I finally chose another shirt, it was colored orange. a symbol of Joy, and I picked a shorts that is black, symbolizing power and the light. :)

Because hey... how can this speck move other specks if it was not able to see the littlest of light amidst the darkness... :)