Labor of Love

Maring.

I saw this post about the typhoon Maring where she sits quietly, staring at the disaster she is causing upon the streets of Luzon. She holds a teddy bear, rocking her chair; she reminds me of all the horror films where childrens' minds plans the diabolical schemes in their movies. (Refer to Sharon Needles' Call me on the Ouija Board if you want to refresh your memory of these films)

This storm, thank God, didn't affect our place at all. If it did, as I would joke to concerned friends, there'll be a cloud formation that says, REPENT SINNERS... Houses here were built on the former hills of Rizal, so there's no way... well, plus we have a good drainage system that let's residents sleep well and just consider this typhoon as another torrent that gives us all a good sleep and the energy to help and pray those who are in need.

A good night's sleep was the thing that  I initially was not able to have, because during the storm's first day, a dear friend violated some rules that can really take him out of the current program were in. At first I was outraged as I was seeing him, his eyes blank and not being aware of his actions but what came after was something I was not able to anticipate. I broke down in the middle of the street... I was asking myself, how can this person do this to himself? After all he has gone through, it was a bit hard for me to accept that another person would just click and slide all the way back to his "former" self.

I prayed hard, slept for a few hours and handled it soonest. Grounding myself to the authenticity of his and my actions and reactions. I figured that he was simply crying from deep inside, this certain woeful feeling got to him. It is not without expression would we be able to conquer our lives, conquer who we are... It gives us knowledge of ourselves and allows the God in other people enter us also. In his case, this sorrow enveloped him and well, bad things started to happen.

And I keep on asking myself... Why are all these things happening to me? Is saying, "because I can handle it..." a self-tranquilizing dose to ward off possible pain? I really don't know...

I will just LIVE in the MOMENT. Fine if I am in the question, but fact remains that there is much work that needs to be done... So I'll do that.

But one thing is for sure, I am here because I am here. It is what it is. No point for drama nor apathy. I will continue to Live and continue to Change to better myself... to help others.

All the things I am experiencing right now, is simply my Labor of Love or LoL! :) It is, and can really get painful at times... but by experiencing hurt, I will also fully experience True Love. Like what they say with Vulnerability, one cannot selectively numb emotions therefore if one is to experience and/or risk getting hurt they also feel FULLY, Love and all other emotions. And might I add, FULLY EXPERIENCE LIFE!

2013 Simple

Goodbye 2012! A great year that started with new work, crashing bus, Sagada yogurt, some excellent ventures, supporting friends, well wishing, heart aches, stepping up, reunions, forgiveness and farewells, having new friends who could last for a lifetime, keeping old friends and loving them entirely, cooking again, washing the dishes, wine and cheese to the max, new creative endeavors, realized dreams and projects and to the soon to be-s. Goodbye to a moment called 2012. My heart welcomes 2013 with spontaneity and love. :)

Lights and Stars

Today, i feel something wants to emerge from me.

After watching, finishing all season 1s of Awkward, Legend of Korra and Bitch in 23 something inside me was adjusted.

Is it the media? I want to just... I am confused... I judge the all the series I watched as very superficial... even judging it as ungodly.

But, there's something inside my heart also that tells me, hey I can be all the girl heroines. A spiritual avatar who enjoys superficial and at the same time reap the benefits of being in a detached space.

But is that really a possibility? Well, 48 taught that everything is possible. But what is this picture I am creating in my mind?

I am specially attracted to the scene from Awkward where Jenna and Jake kissed. If i were Jenna, i'd really go for the Rosati. He's like the perfect concoction of everything she and I guess I have been dreaming of. Quirky, likes to dance and class president at that. Or maybe I am a Rosati.

I've been through my life living real and as authentic as i can get. I couldn't care less about what others think about me. Will I get my Jenna, a confused lil bitch whose brain is jammed with so many life questions at the verge of quarter life crisis?

Well, I'm just being me. But now I'd like to BE more. I would like to be beautiful, look and feel it and at the same time be that coach, spiritual adviser/whatever that I am.

I would like to start taking care of this body, improve it, I guess... remove the stretchmarks of time from growing too fast too soon, literally and i guess in my life. I'm very young, well that's if you count being 26 as young.

I'm taking that Marketing Post. I'd like to get my life moving, at last Lord, the time has come for me. :) 45! This is it! :)

I would like to look good, feel great about LIFE. I want to go home, watch things, create music, movies what not. I'd like to choose to complete, constantly feel LIFE and LOVE without actually waiting for someone to do that for me. I will take bigger risks, for this cup already knows how to stretch itself and I know I have my Love and my Heart to come back to in case of falls and bumps along the way.

I maybe just rambling, but for me, all these things make sense. I'd like to read more books, expose myelf to good music like Ellie Goulding (current fave).

I want to be starry eyed, hit by a lightning and survive everything. Woohooo!!! :) Loving my Life. Proud to say that I'm this current state of contentment yet a desire to be more. And i'd like to learn more american slangs, well just for the heck of it and hey, i can use it to write blogs better... Hahahaha! :)

This is my light. And My Heart is my Light :)

Gun in my mouth, my heart pounding

What has become of expression? Should we stop expression?

Today, I've just ended my professional relationship with a friend. He has done a great job in being an amateur with his work for so long. He grew little all those years that he spent on his job. I've once removed him from his post but today, yet again, he pulled the same prideful remarks against me.

I had to say my piece in a very calm and reserved way. He was angry and that's fine with me. I would worry more yet I'd feel more comfortable if he just took it. For me, those things I've said to him are true and were straight from the heart. His maturity is tad slow paced yet I believed in him. I guess right now, really is, the time to let go of him. I pray for peace and blessings for him.

Because of this event, I was not able to do my siesta. Today's my self-declared "Rest" day but it was quite bothersome hence this entry.

I need not wake up to watch American Idol and wait for the winner, because I know in my heart that Jessica will win the competition. I woke up at 9am and "fine-i'll-watch" myself into waiting for the results.

Next thing I know, Aerosmith is performing, Jennifer Holliday with Jessica, the crooner Phillip was with my winner behind the judges then Phillip wins.

I was in disbelief, turned the TV off and went down to eat breakfast where I spent some time opening my ordered food while thinking and analyzing what just happened.

I never really watched it, and so I think I am not that informed. I made it my FB status and found comments of agreement and remarks of wanting me to accept what just happened.

For so long now, I've always asked myself, is it every time that when I express something "bad" people would automatically react and press down on me to shift and change perspective?

Wait... I'm just expressing... Why stop me? Should I hold in? Be mature enough to man up and just hold it in? What? Tell me.

I lack knowledge and research on topics of unexpressed emotions but I remember that it is the source of sickness and maybe in the future psychological repercussions include instability of emotions and what not.

I THINK, we should all be allowed to express what is in our heart. EXPRESS not actually and immediately ACT upon it. And those people who PREVENT expression should shut up and I guess be heard on things they want to be heard at. Now, respect and compassion will surface as values needed for such freedom.

We should use our senses to express the light and darkness within us.  Shutting Lady Gaga down on her concert for me is not the right thing to do, rather, if protesters and the religious sector would want to EXPRESS, they should tell their followers simply not to support the show. Lady Gaga or Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta maybe the Judas herself. She feels like a demon or a person unworthy of love and wants it badly.

These are artistic expressions and let's not even begin with its limitations, let's just talk about expression. These are her expressions of the things inside her. I personally believe that we are human beings and we have inside ourselves light and darkness. All should be expressed. Until we are purified from light and darkness, what's left is a soul that simply accepts and loves.

The war between light and dark plays an important role in all mythologies, religions and art forms. And now, why do we relate such "trivial" things hinder expression. It is what it is. There's that eternal play between yin and yang, ebb and flow again, light and dark. So expressing something negative is bad and something positive is good. SO?

I would like to reiterate that this is not about taking action as to expression. Saying, "I really want to choke him to death..." should be left to expression and it's sake. Responsibility now comes as to the action that will or will not be taken.

Expression shouldn't be deleted, controlled or whatever. It is simply such. If Gaga desecrates a church and rides a bike with his Judas video "minions" then I'll be in the forefront of rallies and will "cast the first stone" because I would never do that.

Though I am not heard by someone though countless things have been already expressed to my "target", I might every now and then be angry and ask my friends to calm me, might gossip but will never PHYSICALLY ATTACK. Yes I know, words cut deeper, it is mightier than the sword.

Will it set-up someone to do what one says? I don't think so. Release work of the shadow in our hearts will let our light shine through. I think that it is a decluttering mechanism of human beings to express their darkness (for light) in different methods. Some paint, create "controversial" music, some drink, smoke whatever. 

Expression shouldn't be stopped. Reckless ACTS of violence should be.

AND IF EVER, I told that Jessica Sanchez should win and not Phillip Phillips don't stop me. Neither should someone make everyone stop expressing because it's not right. Just declare what you feel about Phillip Phillips winning. For me that's the better way to CONVERT the Angry Mob.

HELLO? GOD just let us expressed and He even died for us. He still loved us. Let us follow that. And now, that my anger over these people who are not able to understand such expressions, I am more calm and in perspective.

I know it has happened to everyone, express it and what remains is the love. Express!

Casting the First Stone

An impulsive need to write down the things in my mind while reading Joseph Bonifacio's blog on Gaga.

I just thought of something quite interesting while reading the part on casting the first stone. We are human beings. We all sin therefore no one can really cast that first stone or I guess be the judge of somebody else.

Therefore, I think, people create our own hell here in this world where it is easy for everyone to just throw stones even to their loved ones.

Compassion and Love for me are two values that might cure this senseless "throwing". We are all in pain and hopefully, we cradle and love each other. Now, that's heaven on Earth for me. That's heaven and love on a dying world. That's life.

Not even God cast it, but I would like to suppose that He talked to her and let His love see the adulterer through. :)

Noincidence

Exactly a year after my loneliness post, is when I am surprised by my blog coming back to life. It just appeared in of my chrome tabs and voila! clicked it and saw a post from last year.

Last year it was about Travis. This year its about me. Almost as lonely but I am not actually. Loneliness this time around didn't come in the guise of a bad break-up; it's actually my almost over dramatic self acting up.

I want to be lonely or should I say, I feel lonely but I know I can shift from it. It's just that, I want it to rot, I guess. But then again, while writing this post, I feel overly dramaticizing this post. Almost as if, I just want to write something. Or do something.

I just feel nothing yet something inside me is just smiling. I am not numb its, I guess, what it feels like to totally surrender to a master plan of the one who created me, maybe out of his own loneliness too...

Creativity uses a lot of fuel. It taps every energy source be it physical, emotional or even spiritual, I presume. It entails use of energy. We are Alchemists that transmute energies to whatever we like.

We are creators and users of energy, We tap into the mysterious (as Dragon Age would term it) Fade and get our dreams manifested.

But we just create. Quality comes no longer from us but from a perfect source. It won't be as perfect as we want it to be unless we create more and more and more to hone, sharpen our skills. And the idea of honing one's skills in whatever chosen art form is, for me, a skill of tapping into to the great unknown and mystery called GOD.

I Surrender. I just do, and I'll let God take care of the quality of my surrender. :)

Loneliness

I write about the feelings of solitude... I am starting to feel...

Questions suddenly jam my head from thinking straight... What will I do after? Is there a way to connect to people from across the country? Will the friends here stay forever?

Unjamming these stuck queries that I may think well... Just be in the now. :D

Enjoy... Life has been continuously offering me good, either as it is or in the guise of a bad break up...

Cry, feel, enjoy... Harness the energy to create... To create more. Joy, Laughter, Love from pain, hate and sorrow.

BE! and let go for I do not know. :D