I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again...

Resonance
My soul responds to his. There are certain similarities that I share with him and I feel that if ever we (or he chooses to) opt to be with each other towards the journey called Life, I'll surely feel lightest knowing I have a comrade towards the Light. The path towards illumination sometimes can be really lonely, and right now I have to be clear with why I want him so much in my life. I want him, I don't need him, better if there'll be an us, but I turn this over to letting my desire direct my actions without being attached to the results of such. I let go and I let God.

Sex
Why don't I want to do it? Such a sensitive matter. I have strong beliefs that if I do it with the same sex, then it's bad. I guess that's what keeps me from totally embracing my gayness. The fact that certain actions will lead me to sin. Having to do such acts of violence towards the body that does not lead to procreation is labeled as something that is taboo by the religious sector. Impositions of the sector led to my upbringing, hence sex is something I have always held back.

I think that he can help me with it. This is the first time I've heard another being telling people (though he is straight?) that sex is also bad. He may have his own issues with such acts but I still would like to think that he can help with it. Why? Because when I was even younger, I asked Him to give someone who can lead me to Him. Is he the one? Again, I wouldn't really know. SO anyway, the question is,do I want to have sex? Yes, but one thing's for sure, I am just bent. I want to go back.

Intimacy
I just want to share with him, just want to watch movie with again, do things and sleep together. Teach kids with him. Have dinner. Tell stories under a blanket. Care for the world. Create music. Create things and leave the world. :)

Commitment
I would have wanted to write down that it was his issue, but hey! I'll take ownership.

I am not afraid of it. Just vigilant as to whom I'll give it to. Not really over-thinking and not too giving. Ooops! Caught myself there. I'll start sharing even more.

Triangular theory of Love
There are 3 elements, go to wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companionate_love

Pronounce. Pronoun. Pronunciation.

Four mistakes! Weeee!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

TODAY...

Today is the day.

Today... somebody asked me.... why can't we get our results? why do we always get redirected...

I just realized, it's our choice...

I never had friends... not because they don't consider me as one, but because I really didn't consider them as someone who we will be...

I guess it first started, when even my own family didn't love me... they were not able to fully accept me for who I am and what i can do.

So my life progressed, me being that same person with other human being... i cannot fully accept you and will not be able to fully believe that you can do something unless you have already...

So beagan the journey of hopeless times, feeling alone... all by myself... and actually depending on something bigger, something more powerful than everyone whom i can depend on... that's my God.

For a while, it gave me some peace of mind knowing that someone is creating my future for me... Someone BIGGER is leading me somewhere... and right now, He led me somewhere, where I can depend on Him and me while letting me vulnerable with my emotions....

I can say that He locked my emotions. he let me hide it from the world. He let hide the REAL me from everyone.

People say I am too real... people say I am too tackless... honest.... but in reality... it's just because i want them to experience their sadness in order to get over with it...

Independence... is what I've learned from He who created me...

Human as I am, not seeing the majestic plan (not until now) i felt I was just someone used to better things, to better other people, excluding myself... and that was my cross to carry...

Now...

I still firmly believe that my life will never be easy... that I will still have my own cross to carry until I die... the difference now is... I share my load... I love...

Tonight, was about me telling myself I have people around me to support me... Tonight is about telling myself, though I have my own cross to carry and they have too... it's a bit easier when you have someone along your path to help you with it, to wipe our face and help you leave your mark, for someone to be a mother to help you through it all, for someone to believe that you will rise up again from your death after three days...

I don't call them disciples... I call them...

Friends...

Friends who may at some point in time, deny you for they own sake.

Friends who at some point will question you...

Friends who at a certain moment will leave you to your own...

Friends, whom you just love and feel love from are faltering based on your judgment but actually never left you... they were just praying and endlessly hoping that one day, you'll see each other in light...

This is the FIRST day in my life... that I would like to acknowledge that indeed, I've never made my life so wonderful and so overwhlemingly beautiful without the people who denied me, who believed in me, who hated, who loved me...

Come to think of it... I have far too many friends (that I've finally acknowledged) to thank for their unending love and gratitude to me.

I never knew... I may look like asshole right now, telling all my friends (whom I've known for so long now) that this is actually the first time I will actually thank them from the bottom of my heart.

I'll do great for these people. I'll do my best for these people. Because they made me believe that I can Be... whoever I want myself to be... :)

Emotional Stability

August 7, 2010.

It was rather a balanced day, so to speak. A very sunny morning transitioning to a stormy night.

This day had my emotions, berserk. Like the perfect movie where there was happiness and comdey when I woke up, suddenly turning into a bit of horror as I stumbled upon a video on youtube called "The Fourth Kind" and researched in NatGeo about those things being questioned for their authenticity, finally deciding to watch the movie where I found myself, terrified and a whole lot paranoid. Then, some action as my dad threatened to hurt me. I picked up a hammer I saw and threatened him back (course, I wouldn't hurt him...). Finally, i went to our reunion where I found myself being so loved and cared for.

I don't know what to do... I want to cry... I just feel that I had a total day... For sure, I want to cry, I'm at the edge of my emotions. I am in love and I am terrified... (I'm actually listening to Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi sing it)... it's exactly how I feel...

Purification of Love can really be a terrifying journey... I am afraid of my own power...

I called a friend... She's going to be with me later... Thank you Lord... :)