Thursday, May 24, 2012

Gun in my mouth, my heart pounding

What has become of expression? Should we stop expression?

Today, I've just ended my professional relationship with a friend. He has done a great job in being an amateur with his work for so long. He grew little all those years that he spent on his job. I've once removed him from his post but today, yet again, he pulled the same prideful remarks against me.

I had to say my piece in a very calm and reserved way. He was angry and that's fine with me. I would worry more yet I'd feel more comfortable if he just took it. For me, those things I've said to him are true and were straight from the heart. His maturity is tad slow paced yet I believed in him. I guess right now, really is, the time to let go of him. I pray for peace and blessings for him.

Because of this event, I was not able to do my siesta. Today's my self-declared "Rest" day but it was quite bothersome hence this entry.

I need not wake up to watch American Idol and wait for the winner, because I know in my heart that Jessica will win the competition. I woke up at 9am and "fine-i'll-watch" myself into waiting for the results.

Next thing I know, Aerosmith is performing, Jennifer Holliday with Jessica, the crooner Phillip was with my winner behind the judges then Phillip wins.

I was in disbelief, turned the TV off and went down to eat breakfast where I spent some time opening my ordered food while thinking and analyzing what just happened.

I never really watched it, and so I think I am not that informed. I made it my FB status and found comments of agreement and remarks of wanting me to accept what just happened.

For so long now, I've always asked myself, is it every time that when I express something "bad" people would automatically react and press down on me to shift and change perspective?

Wait... I'm just expressing... Why stop me? Should I hold in? Be mature enough to man up and just hold it in? What? Tell me.

I lack knowledge and research on topics of unexpressed emotions but I remember that it is the source of sickness and maybe in the future psychological repercussions include instability of emotions and what not.

I THINK, we should all be allowed to express what is in our heart. EXPRESS not actually and immediately ACT upon it. And those people who PREVENT expression should shut up and I guess be heard on things they want to be heard at. Now, respect and compassion will surface as values needed for such freedom.

We should use our senses to express the light and darkness within us.  Shutting Lady Gaga down on her concert for me is not the right thing to do, rather, if protesters and the religious sector would want to EXPRESS, they should tell their followers simply not to support the show. Lady Gaga or Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta maybe the Judas herself. She feels like a demon or a person unworthy of love and wants it badly.

These are artistic expressions and let's not even begin with its limitations, let's just talk about expression. These are her expressions of the things inside her. I personally believe that we are human beings and we have inside ourselves light and darkness. All should be expressed. Until we are purified from light and darkness, what's left is a soul that simply accepts and loves.

The war between light and dark plays an important role in all mythologies, religions and art forms. And now, why do we relate such "trivial" things hinder expression. It is what it is. There's that eternal play between yin and yang, ebb and flow again, light and dark. So expressing something negative is bad and something positive is good. SO?

I would like to reiterate that this is not about taking action as to expression. Saying, "I really want to choke him to death..." should be left to expression and it's sake. Responsibility now comes as to the action that will or will not be taken.

Expression shouldn't be deleted, controlled or whatever. It is simply such. If Gaga desecrates a church and rides a bike with his Judas video "minions" then I'll be in the forefront of rallies and will "cast the first stone" because I would never do that.

Though I am not heard by someone though countless things have been already expressed to my "target", I might every now and then be angry and ask my friends to calm me, might gossip but will never PHYSICALLY ATTACK. Yes I know, words cut deeper, it is mightier than the sword.

Will it set-up someone to do what one says? I don't think so. Release work of the shadow in our hearts will let our light shine through. I think that it is a decluttering mechanism of human beings to express their darkness (for light) in different methods. Some paint, create "controversial" music, some drink, smoke whatever. 

Expression shouldn't be stopped. Reckless ACTS of violence should be.

AND IF EVER, I told that Jessica Sanchez should win and not Phillip Phillips don't stop me. Neither should someone make everyone stop expressing because it's not right. Just declare what you feel about Phillip Phillips winning. For me that's the better way to CONVERT the Angry Mob.

HELLO? GOD just let us expressed and He even died for us. He still loved us. Let us follow that. And now, that my anger over these people who are not able to understand such expressions, I am more calm and in perspective.

I know it has happened to everyone, express it and what remains is the love. Express!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Casting the First Stone

An impulsive need to write down the things in my mind while reading Joseph Bonifacio's blog on Gaga.

I just thought of something quite interesting while reading the part on casting the first stone. We are human beings. We all sin therefore no one can really cast that first stone or I guess be the judge of somebody else.

Therefore, I think, people create our own hell here in this world where it is easy for everyone to just throw stones even to their loved ones.

Compassion and Love for me are two values that might cure this senseless "throwing". We are all in pain and hopefully, we cradle and love each other. Now, that's heaven on Earth for me. That's heaven and love on a dying world. That's life.

Not even God cast it, but I would like to suppose that He talked to her and let His love see the adulterer through. :)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Noincidence

Exactly a year after my loneliness post, is when I am surprised by my blog coming back to life. It just appeared in of my chrome tabs and voila! clicked it and saw a post from last year.

Last year it was about Travis. This year its about me. Almost as lonely but I am not actually. Loneliness this time around didn't come in the guise of a bad break-up; it's actually my almost over dramatic self acting up.

I want to be lonely or should I say, I feel lonely but I know I can shift from it. It's just that, I want it to rot, I guess. But then again, while writing this post, I feel overly dramaticizing this post. Almost as if, I just want to write something. Or do something.

I just feel nothing yet something inside me is just smiling. I am not numb its, I guess, what it feels like to totally surrender to a master plan of the one who created me, maybe out of his own loneliness too...

Creativity uses a lot of fuel. It taps every energy source be it physical, emotional or even spiritual, I presume. It entails use of energy. We are Alchemists that transmute energies to whatever we like.

We are creators and users of energy, We tap into the mysterious (as Dragon Age would term it) Fade and get our dreams manifested.

But we just create. Quality comes no longer from us but from a perfect source. It won't be as perfect as we want it to be unless we create more and more and more to hone, sharpen our skills. And the idea of honing one's skills in whatever chosen art form is, for me, a skill of tapping into to the great unknown and mystery called GOD.

I Surrender. I just do, and I'll let God take care of the quality of my surrender. :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Loneliness

I write about the feelings of solitude... I am starting to feel...

Questions suddenly jam my head from thinking straight... What will I do after? Is there a way to connect to people from across the country? Will the friends here stay forever?

Unjamming these stuck queries that I may think well... Just be in the now. :D

Enjoy... Life has been continuously offering me good, either as it is or in the guise of a bad break up...

Cry, feel, enjoy... Harness the energy to create... To create more. Joy, Laughter, Love from pain, hate and sorrow.

BE! and let go for I do not know. :D

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Enough said!

where things are simply enough...

Believing in past lives...

I BE-LIVE that I have been rich...
I BE-LIVE that I have been poor...

I BE-LIVE that I have been into great relationships...
I BE-LIVE that I have been through worst...

I BE-LIVE that I have been a straight guy...
I BE-LIVE that I of course, have been a straight girl...

That's why I BE-LIVE that right now...
Where things feel and is in the MIDDLE...

I can eat...
I don't have a car...

I can cry about flings and MUs...
I can savor the AUs...

(suddenly, Madonna's Borderline plays... hahaha! listening to 80s for an event)

I have been through either a guy or a girl's highs and lows...

I BE-LIVE this lifetime teaches me about being the MIDDLE...

NO. NOT MEDIOCRITY.

But just saying that where ever I am...

It's simply enough...
And when things feel not enough...
I'll DO IT...

I'll follow my heart's desire to create and BE more...

A morning of hopes...
An afternoon of work...
An evening of prayer and again, telling myself...

I am simply enough... :D

destreate

a deep sense of something.. something that's troubling me... i move into mission...

I write... feelings of frustration and guilt...

of sadness and loss of hope... it looms... GOD was indeed so magnificent in His creations... I cannot imagine... I cannot conquer... I am human... I am being... Though this being of infinite power cannot comprehend world's, GOD's infinite plan... it remains a mystery...

A mystery of divine will... the will that incarnated one God, to experience the human's mystery... to experience faith...

Faith, not seeing... just believing... doing things blindly... for what is inner produces outer... results based on love... on hate... on feelings... on commitment... on anger... translated to spending the whole day with someone, wanting to kill someone...

Fear, seeing... seeing through preconceptions... seeing through what will be... foresight... GOD has this... fear... strike terror, strike floods, for if people did not die nor experience wrath... they will not change... a foresight... fear turning to floods, quakes...

Love, seeing blindly... for whatever matters... sanity is intact... but love, makes us choose insanity instead... a strong feeling... an inner desire... love that brought a God to earth to save it...

Learning... GOD learned? of course... Infinite wisdom... infinite... everything... from wrath and hate to love and salvation... from the Father to the Son...

Hope... The real 3D begins... Where is the Holy Spirit? I don't see Him... Faith... that will let me see the last of the Christian Gods...

Where is He? It's in me... Do I see? Faith. I can love, stay with you the whole night... Fear? I want to be with him... I don't want to be alone? Yes... I don't. See yet not... Fear creates our reality...

Did GOD also want companionship? That's why He created mankind..? Fear creates reality... Love molds it into what we want to feel... experience...

Inventions, innovations... help mankind... love them... Hate, destruction, war... Hope to recreate... instill fear... recreate... remold... where is faith?

From creation... GOD's faith that we won't betray Him... 'til destruction... Hoping to find a new place... a new sanctuary... a new self...

HUMANS are indeed programmed... to self destruct and be recreated...

by faith, hope and love...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Laminin

Just read an email (what do they call that again?), some email and it said that our body would literally fall apart if not for Laminins. These proteins, like a glue and that looks like a cross (LINK: http://www.sigmaaldrich.com/etc/medialib/life-science/metabolomics/enzyme-explorer/laminin.Par.0001.Image.484.gif), sticks every cell of our body together, so! Thanks Laminin! for keeping us together! :)

Just last night I said yes, again, to a friend who have, well, supported me when I call her to mend my whatevers. Thinking of the prices to pay for such commitments and responsibilities and if I were ready to face my friends who also care for me and their preconceived notions about supporting.

Well... I felt that we have sown divisiveness among comrades towards taking that future of an earth where nobody is left behind. Call it undoing, or "bawi", I'd rather tidy things up and work on my relationships rather than rest. I just don't want the labels. :)

Well... I know that they are a bit hard to handle, knowing some of them are the worst kind of brats here on Earth. But hey! Growth is what I would like to term it. :) and it indeed doesn't stop.

Well... Rest... I can always have my own slice of that whenever I choose to. My life on hold? Who said I'm putting it on que while I'm being of support? I won't. At least I won't do that again.

BUT! Reality indeed bites hard right now. I'll handle it before I begin this life that I've wished. :)

(insert why I have discussed about Laminin earlier, here) I'm so going to make this work. I'm so not going for divisiveness amongst equals (at least not me). I won't make it hard for me but I will do my best! "Light and Charming!" and finally, of course... Get my life more exciting by having a bonggang bonggang job!!! :0 yey! And Laminin... will bind all these... through the Cross... :)

Hey! I know what to do na! Confess then go to church again. :)