Noincidence

Exactly a year after my loneliness post, is when I am surprised by my blog coming back to life. It just appeared in of my chrome tabs and voila! clicked it and saw a post from last year.

Last year it was about Travis. This year its about me. Almost as lonely but I am not actually. Loneliness this time around didn't come in the guise of a bad break-up; it's actually my almost over dramatic self acting up.

I want to be lonely or should I say, I feel lonely but I know I can shift from it. It's just that, I want it to rot, I guess. But then again, while writing this post, I feel overly dramaticizing this post. Almost as if, I just want to write something. Or do something.

I just feel nothing yet something inside me is just smiling. I am not numb its, I guess, what it feels like to totally surrender to a master plan of the one who created me, maybe out of his own loneliness too...

Creativity uses a lot of fuel. It taps every energy source be it physical, emotional or even spiritual, I presume. It entails use of energy. We are Alchemists that transmute energies to whatever we like.

We are creators and users of energy, We tap into the mysterious (as Dragon Age would term it) Fade and get our dreams manifested.

But we just create. Quality comes no longer from us but from a perfect source. It won't be as perfect as we want it to be unless we create more and more and more to hone, sharpen our skills. And the idea of honing one's skills in whatever chosen art form is, for me, a skill of tapping into to the great unknown and mystery called GOD.

I Surrender. I just do, and I'll let God take care of the quality of my surrender. :)

Loneliness

I write about the feelings of solitude... I am starting to feel...

Questions suddenly jam my head from thinking straight... What will I do after? Is there a way to connect to people from across the country? Will the friends here stay forever?

Unjamming these stuck queries that I may think well... Just be in the now. :D

Enjoy... Life has been continuously offering me good, either as it is or in the guise of a bad break up...

Cry, feel, enjoy... Harness the energy to create... To create more. Joy, Laughter, Love from pain, hate and sorrow.

BE! and let go for I do not know. :D

Enough said!

where things are simply enough...

Believing in past lives...

I BE-LIVE that I have been rich...

I BE-LIVE that I have been poor...

I BE-LIVE that I have been into great relationships...

I BE-LIVE that I have been through worst...

I BE-LIVE that I have been a straight guy...

I BE-LIVE that I of course, have been a straight girl...

That's why I BE-LIVE that right now...

Where things feel and is in the MIDDLE...

I can eat...

I don't have a car...

I can cry about flings and MUs...

I can savor the AUs...

(suddenly, Madonna's Borderline plays... hahaha! listening to 80s for an event)

I have been through either a guy or a girl's highs and lows...

I BE-LIVE this lifetime teaches me about being the MIDDLE...

NO. NOT MEDIOCRITY.

But just saying that where ever I am...

It's simply enough...

And when things feel not enough...

I'll DO IT...

I'll follow my heart's desire to create and BE more...

A morning of hopes...

An afternoon of work...

An evening of prayer and again, telling myself...

I am simply enough... :D

destreate

a deep sense of something.. something that's troubling me... i move into mission...

I write... feelings of frustration and guilt...

of sadness and loss of hope... it looms... GOD was indeed so magnificent in His creations... I cannot imagine... I cannot conquer... I am human... I am being... Though this being of infinite power cannot comprehend world's, GOD's infinite plan... it remains a mystery...

A mystery of divine will... the will that incarnated one God, to experience the human's mystery... to experience faith...

Faith, not seeing... just believing... doing things blindly... for what is inner produces outer... results based on love... on hate... on feelings... on commitment... on anger... translated to spending the whole day with someone, wanting to kill someone...

Fear, seeing... seeing through preconceptions... seeing through what will be... foresight... GOD has this... fear... strike terror, strike floods, for if people did not die nor experience wrath... they will not change... a foresight... fear turning to floods, quakes...

Love, seeing blindly... for whatever matters... sanity is intact... but love, makes us choose insanity instead... a strong feeling... an inner desire... love that brought a God to earth to save it...

Learning... GOD learned? of course... Infinite wisdom... infinite... everything... from wrath and hate to love and salvation... from the Father to the Son...

Hope... The real 3D begins... Where is the Holy Spirit? I don't see Him... Faith... that will let me see the last of the Christian Gods...

Where is He? It's in me... Do I see? Faith. I can love, stay with you the whole night... Fear? I want to be with him... I don't want to be alone? Yes... I don't. See yet not... Fear creates our reality...

Did GOD also want companionship? That's why He created mankind..? Fear creates reality... Love molds it into what we want to feel... experience...

Inventions, innovations... help mankind... love them... Hate, destruction, war... Hope to recreate... instill fear... recreate... remold... where is faith?

From creation... GOD's faith that we won't betray Him... 'til destruction... Hoping to find a new place... a new sanctuary... a new self...

HUMANS are indeed programmed... to self destruct and be recreated...

by faith, hope and love...

Laminin

Just read an email (what do they call that again?), some email and it said that our body would literally fall apart if not for Laminins. These proteins, like a glue and that looks like a cross (LINK: http://www.sigmaaldrich.com/etc/medialib/life-science/metabolomics/enzyme-explorer/laminin.Par.0001.Image.484.gif), sticks every cell of our body together, so! Thanks Laminin! for keeping us together! :)

Just last night I said yes, again, to a friend who have, well, supported me when I call her to mend my whatevers. Thinking of the prices to pay for such commitments and responsibilities and if I were ready to face my friends who also care for me and their preconceived notions about supporting.

Well... I felt that we have sown divisiveness among comrades towards taking that future of an earth where nobody is left behind. Call it undoing, or "bawi", I'd rather tidy things up and work on my relationships rather than rest. I just don't want the labels. :)

Well... I know that they are a bit hard to handle, knowing some of them are the worst kind of brats here on Earth. But hey! Growth is what I would like to term it. :) and it indeed doesn't stop.

Well... Rest... I can always have my own slice of that whenever I choose to. My life on hold? Who said I'm putting it on que while I'm being of support? I won't. At least I won't do that again.

BUT! Reality indeed bites hard right now. I'll handle it before I begin this life that I've wished. :)

(insert why I have discussed about Laminin earlier, here) I'm so going to make this work. I'm so not going for divisiveness amongst equals (at least not me). I won't make it hard for me but I will do my best! "Light and Charming!" and finally, of course... Get my life more exciting by having a bonggang bonggang job!!! :0 yey! And Laminin... will bind all these... through the Cross... :)

Hey! I know what to do na! Confess then go to church again. :)

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again...

Resonance
My soul responds to his. There are certain similarities that I share with him and I feel that if ever we (or he chooses to) opt to be with each other towards the journey called Life, I'll surely feel lightest knowing I have a comrade towards the Light. The path towards illumination sometimes can be really lonely, and right now I have to be clear with why I want him so much in my life. I want him, I don't need him, better if there'll be an us, but I turn this over to letting my desire direct my actions without being attached to the results of such. I let go and I let God.

Sex
Why don't I want to do it? Such a sensitive matter. I have strong beliefs that if I do it with the same sex, then it's bad. I guess that's what keeps me from totally embracing my gayness. The fact that certain actions will lead me to sin. Having to do such acts of violence towards the body that does not lead to procreation is labeled as something that is taboo by the religious sector. Impositions of the sector led to my upbringing, hence sex is something I have always held back.

I think that he can help me with it. This is the first time I've heard another being telling people (though he is straight?) that sex is also bad. He may have his own issues with such acts but I still would like to think that he can help with it. Why? Because when I was even younger, I asked Him to give someone who can lead me to Him. Is he the one? Again, I wouldn't really know. SO anyway, the question is,do I want to have sex? Yes, but one thing's for sure, I am just bent. I want to go back.

Intimacy
I just want to share with him, just want to watch movie with again, do things and sleep together. Teach kids with him. Have dinner. Tell stories under a blanket. Care for the world. Create music. Create things and leave the world. :)

Commitment
I would have wanted to write down that it was his issue, but hey! I'll take ownership.

I am not afraid of it. Just vigilant as to whom I'll give it to. Not really over-thinking and not too giving. Ooops! Caught myself there. I'll start sharing even more.

Triangular theory of Love
There are 3 elements, go to wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companionate_love

Pronounce. Pronoun. Pronunciation.

Four mistakes! Weeee!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!