Laminin

Just read an email (what do they call that again?), some email and it said that our body would literally fall apart if not for Laminins. These proteins, like a glue and that looks like a cross (LINK: http://www.sigmaaldrich.com/etc/medialib/life-science/metabolomics/enzyme-explorer/laminin.Par.0001.Image.484.gif), sticks every cell of our body together, so! Thanks Laminin! for keeping us together! :)

Just last night I said yes, again, to a friend who have, well, supported me when I call her to mend my whatevers. Thinking of the prices to pay for such commitments and responsibilities and if I were ready to face my friends who also care for me and their preconceived notions about supporting.

Well... I felt that we have sown divisiveness among comrades towards taking that future of an earth where nobody is left behind. Call it undoing, or "bawi", I'd rather tidy things up and work on my relationships rather than rest. I just don't want the labels. :)

Well... I know that they are a bit hard to handle, knowing some of them are the worst kind of brats here on Earth. But hey! Growth is what I would like to term it. :) and it indeed doesn't stop.

Well... Rest... I can always have my own slice of that whenever I choose to. My life on hold? Who said I'm putting it on que while I'm being of support? I won't. At least I won't do that again.

BUT! Reality indeed bites hard right now. I'll handle it before I begin this life that I've wished. :)

(insert why I have discussed about Laminin earlier, here) I'm so going to make this work. I'm so not going for divisiveness amongst equals (at least not me). I won't make it hard for me but I will do my best! "Light and Charming!" and finally, of course... Get my life more exciting by having a bonggang bonggang job!!! :0 yey! And Laminin... will bind all these... through the Cross... :)

Hey! I know what to do na! Confess then go to church again. :)

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again...

Resonance
My soul responds to his. There are certain similarities that I share with him and I feel that if ever we (or he chooses to) opt to be with each other towards the journey called Life, I'll surely feel lightest knowing I have a comrade towards the Light. The path towards illumination sometimes can be really lonely, and right now I have to be clear with why I want him so much in my life. I want him, I don't need him, better if there'll be an us, but I turn this over to letting my desire direct my actions without being attached to the results of such. I let go and I let God.

Sex
Why don't I want to do it? Such a sensitive matter. I have strong beliefs that if I do it with the same sex, then it's bad. I guess that's what keeps me from totally embracing my gayness. The fact that certain actions will lead me to sin. Having to do such acts of violence towards the body that does not lead to procreation is labeled as something that is taboo by the religious sector. Impositions of the sector led to my upbringing, hence sex is something I have always held back.

I think that he can help me with it. This is the first time I've heard another being telling people (though he is straight?) that sex is also bad. He may have his own issues with such acts but I still would like to think that he can help with it. Why? Because when I was even younger, I asked Him to give someone who can lead me to Him. Is he the one? Again, I wouldn't really know. SO anyway, the question is,do I want to have sex? Yes, but one thing's for sure, I am just bent. I want to go back.

Intimacy
I just want to share with him, just want to watch movie with again, do things and sleep together. Teach kids with him. Have dinner. Tell stories under a blanket. Care for the world. Create music. Create things and leave the world. :)

Commitment
I would have wanted to write down that it was his issue, but hey! I'll take ownership.

I am not afraid of it. Just vigilant as to whom I'll give it to. Not really over-thinking and not too giving. Ooops! Caught myself there. I'll start sharing even more.

Triangular theory of Love
There are 3 elements, go to wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companionate_love

Pronounce. Pronoun. Pronunciation.

Four mistakes! Weeee!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

TODAY...

Today is the day.

Today... somebody asked me.... why can't we get our results? why do we always get redirected...

I just realized, it's our choice...

I never had friends... not because they don't consider me as one, but because I really didn't consider them as someone who we will be...

I guess it first started, when even my own family didn't love me... they were not able to fully accept me for who I am and what i can do.

So my life progressed, me being that same person with other human being... i cannot fully accept you and will not be able to fully believe that you can do something unless you have already...

So beagan the journey of hopeless times, feeling alone... all by myself... and actually depending on something bigger, something more powerful than everyone whom i can depend on... that's my God.

For a while, it gave me some peace of mind knowing that someone is creating my future for me... Someone BIGGER is leading me somewhere... and right now, He led me somewhere, where I can depend on Him and me while letting me vulnerable with my emotions....

I can say that He locked my emotions. he let me hide it from the world. He let hide the REAL me from everyone.

People say I am too real... people say I am too tackless... honest.... but in reality... it's just because i want them to experience their sadness in order to get over with it...

Independence... is what I've learned from He who created me...

Human as I am, not seeing the majestic plan (not until now) i felt I was just someone used to better things, to better other people, excluding myself... and that was my cross to carry...

Now...

I still firmly believe that my life will never be easy... that I will still have my own cross to carry until I die... the difference now is... I share my load... I love...

Tonight, was about me telling myself I have people around me to support me... Tonight is about telling myself, though I have my own cross to carry and they have too... it's a bit easier when you have someone along your path to help you with it, to wipe our face and help you leave your mark, for someone to be a mother to help you through it all, for someone to believe that you will rise up again from your death after three days...

I don't call them disciples... I call them...

Friends...

Friends who may at some point in time, deny you for they own sake.

Friends who at some point will question you...

Friends who at a certain moment will leave you to your own...

Friends, whom you just love and feel love from are faltering based on your judgment but actually never left you... they were just praying and endlessly hoping that one day, you'll see each other in light...

This is the FIRST day in my life... that I would like to acknowledge that indeed, I've never made my life so wonderful and so overwhlemingly beautiful without the people who denied me, who believed in me, who hated, who loved me...

Come to think of it... I have far too many friends (that I've finally acknowledged) to thank for their unending love and gratitude to me.

I never knew... I may look like asshole right now, telling all my friends (whom I've known for so long now) that this is actually the first time I will actually thank them from the bottom of my heart.

I'll do great for these people. I'll do my best for these people. Because they made me believe that I can Be... whoever I want myself to be... :)

Emotional Stability

August 7, 2010.

It was rather a balanced day, so to speak. A very sunny morning transitioning to a stormy night.

This day had my emotions, berserk. Like the perfect movie where there was happiness and comdey when I woke up, suddenly turning into a bit of horror as I stumbled upon a video on youtube called "The Fourth Kind" and researched in NatGeo about those things being questioned for their authenticity, finally deciding to watch the movie where I found myself, terrified and a whole lot paranoid. Then, some action as my dad threatened to hurt me. I picked up a hammer I saw and threatened him back (course, I wouldn't hurt him...). Finally, i went to our reunion where I found myself being so loved and cared for.

I don't know what to do... I want to cry... I just feel that I had a total day... For sure, I want to cry, I'm at the edge of my emotions. I am in love and I am terrified... (I'm actually listening to Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi sing it)... it's exactly how I feel...

Purification of Love can really be a terrifying journey... I am afraid of my own power...

I called a friend... She's going to be with me later... Thank you Lord... :)

Light/Dark

To open up one's heart. That's scary.

When I got home from an Intense Experience, I was to change my clothes before I got to sleep. I usually don't mid what shirt I am to wear, long as it is a shirt, it's all good.

But this day was different.

I got this "comfy" shirt (I call it comfy because, it has holes everywhere, air can breeze my body), and realized that all this time, that shirt always made me feel safe. The shirt made me look bad so that people won't believe me. It was all about staying in a space where people can leave me alone.

It was my 3 year story when I got into a company that changes companies :o actually they don't. They only make people aware of their choices in their lives and gives the people responsibility towards whatever the result may be.

In this company, you are rarely given a chance to change other people's lives. It is because, people have to make their lives work first before changing other people. But hey! who said we change them, all we can change is ourselves, and I believe that wounded as everyone is, that person can still inspire other people to move forward.

I believed.

And so, though my life didn't work, I held into a quote, "Fake it until you make it". I faked it... Feeling that I was already alright, that I am good but actually, I wasn't.

Though... I am good... I was still able to coach other people...

Coaching dragged me into my immense darkness, how my anger can hurt, how my lies can inflict pain etc. and people's expectations around me aroused the darkness again, by actually forgetting about myself and going into the pleasing mode where I found myself so lost... I've never experienced myself so detached to myself. I was a zombie.

And as a zombie, I was so hard with myself and the people around me, but like in any other choice, this undead feeling gave me the gene to make bulls eye feedbacks about other people's pain and misery and drama etc. Because hello? I'm in it.

This zombie made great feats and had some friends, but because I am never content, like a vampire longing for blood, frenzied by this inner disgust in life, I still kept my true self locked away.

Until finally, a certain journey made me feel as if I was actually alive.

This journey to outer space made me feel that life was actually beautiful, limitless and just is. This is the journey where I found myself surrendering to the infinity within. I remember the last part of the Intense experience I had. So many people loved me and it was that message from God that told me, you cannot possibly imagine how immense my love is, here have a taste of it. :)

That powerful experience immediately unlocked all the things that the inner me can give. That inner self who is not afraid, who is vulnerable, who cries because of joy, who is loved, who is celebrated and who is so loving and powerful, who is God's speck of his Glorious Love.

Yes, I am a speck of light. :) of God's light. That light that once gave me a chance to live again. Speck? it's so small... yes it is... because that day, I remember GOD showing me how His is so big and so powerful. Speck? Yes it is! A speck that will soon inspire other specks to show their light until everyone is so luminous, we'll make our God proud.

This Light in me, gave me a chance to love again, to be loved, to give and to receive, to serve and to love more and more and more each day.

That's why when I got home, I didn't choose the shirt that was so messed up, I am over my zombie days, but I would like to acknowledge that phase in my life where I learned to be surrounded by so much darkness and yet finding my way back into love. That was the time I learned about other people's hurts and pains in order for my light to be a light of compassion and love.

I finally chose another shirt, it was colored orange. a symbol of Joy, and I picked a shorts that is black, symbolizing power and the light. :)

Because hey... how can this speck move other specks if it was not able to see the littlest of light amidst the darkness... :)

God.Sun.Moon.Faith

Hello blogging! I missed you so much! :)

Just last night, when I was heading home from a usual Friday "Cheat Day" (that time during the week, where I can smoke to my heart's content and lungs capacity and drink drink and drink..), I REALIZED something.

As I was looking at the night blue sky... I just felt creative and started thinking about the Moon that during the night time, when everyone is at their bluest moment, or they feel like darkness is shrouding them, lights made made by men provide light to all. During nights of doubt or fear, I am taught how to ask for support from other people, friends and family. This is the time when God is just shining us a bit of His rays through the Moon. A time when His love is being giving me hope through a ray of moonlight and is being surrounded by lights called "friends and family".

During the day, when the Sun is at its highest, this is the time when God is manifesting directly to me. :) rays and rays of hope and love is showered upon me and I am asked to live my life to the highest level because life is passion and passion is love.

I also thought of those times when the sun is longer than the moon. Summer. During this time, we are reminded by Christ's passion in the cross to show his love to us. It is during these times that the day is longer than night tells us to live longer, give more and live our passion more.

On the other hand, when the moon shows up more than the sun. Winter. During these months, we are now more depressed than ever, even sadder or just feels like sleeping more and more because of problems. It is during these times of sadness or tribulation that we are reminded through Christmas, the birth of a child, the birth of hope anew, the birth of love. No matter how long the night maybe as long as we have friends and family with us to love us and show us the Love God is giving us then it will be better.

As it always have...

I am... VI - VII - X - XII - XIII

I just love these ladies of Final Fantasy.

(from right)

Tina Bradford from FF VI and Final Fantasy Dissidia, a mysterious gal both
human and esper.

The Materia Hunter and extra jumpy Yuffie Kisaragi, a ninja, from Final Fantasy VII.

Both elegant and fierce are the things I can say about Lulu from FF X.

Graceful as she maybe, Fran from FF XII is also
a force to reckon with as she is adept in using all weapons in the game.

Lightning, the Final Fantasy XIII main character seems
to be a pessimist but I feel that she is someone who knows how to take charge and fight for what is right. Can't wait to see her in action.

Can't wait for FF XIII in PS3. :p

Hmmmm.... Hopefully before I die I can still play the 1000th Final Fantasy. hahaha! :p