Labor of Love

Maring.

I saw this post about the typhoon Maring where she sits quietly, staring at the disaster she is causing upon the streets of Luzon. She holds a teddy bear, rocking her chair; she reminds me of all the horror films where childrens' minds plans the diabolical schemes in their movies. (Refer to Sharon Needles' Call me on the Ouija Board if you want to refresh your memory of these films)

This storm, thank God, didn't affect our place at all. If it did, as I would joke to concerned friends, there'll be a cloud formation that says, REPENT SINNERS... Houses here were built on the former hills of Rizal, so there's no way... well, plus we have a good drainage system that let's residents sleep well and just consider this typhoon as another torrent that gives us all a good sleep and the energy to help and pray those who are in need.

A good night's sleep was the thing that  I initially was not able to have, because during the storm's first day, a dear friend violated some rules that can really take him out of the current program were in. At first I was outraged as I was seeing him, his eyes blank and not being aware of his actions but what came after was something I was not able to anticipate. I broke down in the middle of the street... I was asking myself, how can this person do this to himself? After all he has gone through, it was a bit hard for me to accept that another person would just click and slide all the way back to his "former" self.

I prayed hard, slept for a few hours and handled it soonest. Grounding myself to the authenticity of his and my actions and reactions. I figured that he was simply crying from deep inside, this certain woeful feeling got to him. It is not without expression would we be able to conquer our lives, conquer who we are... It gives us knowledge of ourselves and allows the God in other people enter us also. In his case, this sorrow enveloped him and well, bad things started to happen.

And I keep on asking myself... Why are all these things happening to me? Is saying, "because I can handle it..." a self-tranquilizing dose to ward off possible pain? I really don't know...

I will just LIVE in the MOMENT. Fine if I am in the question, but fact remains that there is much work that needs to be done... So I'll do that.

But one thing is for sure, I am here because I am here. It is what it is. No point for drama nor apathy. I will continue to Live and continue to Change to better myself... to help others.

All the things I am experiencing right now, is simply my Labor of Love or LoL! :) It is, and can really get painful at times... but by experiencing hurt, I will also fully experience True Love. Like what they say with Vulnerability, one cannot selectively numb emotions therefore if one is to experience and/or risk getting hurt they also feel FULLY, Love and all other emotions. And might I add, FULLY EXPERIENCE LIFE!

2013 Simple

Goodbye 2012! A great year that started with new work, crashing bus, Sagada yogurt, some excellent ventures, supporting friends, well wishing, heart aches, stepping up, reunions, forgiveness and farewells, having new friends who could last for a lifetime, keeping old friends and loving them entirely, cooking again, washing the dishes, wine and cheese to the max, new creative endeavors, realized dreams and projects and to the soon to be-s. Goodbye to a moment called 2012. My heart welcomes 2013 with spontaneity and love. :)

Lights and Stars

Today, i feel something wants to emerge from me.

After watching, finishing all season 1s of Awkward, Legend of Korra and Bitch in 23 something inside me was adjusted.

Is it the media? I want to just... I am confused... I judge the all the series I watched as very superficial... even judging it as ungodly.

But, there's something inside my heart also that tells me, hey I can be all the girl heroines. A spiritual avatar who enjoys superficial and at the same time reap the benefits of being in a detached space.

But is that really a possibility? Well, 48 taught that everything is possible. But what is this picture I am creating in my mind?

I am specially attracted to the scene from Awkward where Jenna and Jake kissed. If i were Jenna, i'd really go for the Rosati. He's like the perfect concoction of everything she and I guess I have been dreaming of. Quirky, likes to dance and class president at that. Or maybe I am a Rosati.

I've been through my life living real and as authentic as i can get. I couldn't care less about what others think about me. Will I get my Jenna, a confused lil bitch whose brain is jammed with so many life questions at the verge of quarter life crisis?

Well, I'm just being me. But now I'd like to BE more. I would like to be beautiful, look and feel it and at the same time be that coach, spiritual adviser/whatever that I am.

I would like to start taking care of this body, improve it, I guess... remove the stretchmarks of time from growing too fast too soon, literally and i guess in my life. I'm very young, well that's if you count being 26 as young.

I'm taking that Marketing Post. I'd like to get my life moving, at last Lord, the time has come for me. :) 45! This is it! :)

I would like to look good, feel great about LIFE. I want to go home, watch things, create music, movies what not. I'd like to choose to complete, constantly feel LIFE and LOVE without actually waiting for someone to do that for me. I will take bigger risks, for this cup already knows how to stretch itself and I know I have my Love and my Heart to come back to in case of falls and bumps along the way.

I maybe just rambling, but for me, all these things make sense. I'd like to read more books, expose myelf to good music like Ellie Goulding (current fave).

I want to be starry eyed, hit by a lightning and survive everything. Woohooo!!! :) Loving my Life. Proud to say that I'm this current state of contentment yet a desire to be more. And i'd like to learn more american slangs, well just for the heck of it and hey, i can use it to write blogs better... Hahahaha! :)

This is my light. And My Heart is my Light :)

Gun in my mouth, my heart pounding

What has become of expression? Should we stop expression?

Today, I've just ended my professional relationship with a friend. He has done a great job in being an amateur with his work for so long. He grew little all those years that he spent on his job. I've once removed him from his post but today, yet again, he pulled the same prideful remarks against me.

I had to say my piece in a very calm and reserved way. He was angry and that's fine with me. I would worry more yet I'd feel more comfortable if he just took it. For me, those things I've said to him are true and were straight from the heart. His maturity is tad slow paced yet I believed in him. I guess right now, really is, the time to let go of him. I pray for peace and blessings for him.

Because of this event, I was not able to do my siesta. Today's my self-declared "Rest" day but it was quite bothersome hence this entry.

I need not wake up to watch American Idol and wait for the winner, because I know in my heart that Jessica will win the competition. I woke up at 9am and "fine-i'll-watch" myself into waiting for the results.

Next thing I know, Aerosmith is performing, Jennifer Holliday with Jessica, the crooner Phillip was with my winner behind the judges then Phillip wins.

I was in disbelief, turned the TV off and went down to eat breakfast where I spent some time opening my ordered food while thinking and analyzing what just happened.

I never really watched it, and so I think I am not that informed. I made it my FB status and found comments of agreement and remarks of wanting me to accept what just happened.

For so long now, I've always asked myself, is it every time that when I express something "bad" people would automatically react and press down on me to shift and change perspective?

Wait... I'm just expressing... Why stop me? Should I hold in? Be mature enough to man up and just hold it in? What? Tell me.

I lack knowledge and research on topics of unexpressed emotions but I remember that it is the source of sickness and maybe in the future psychological repercussions include instability of emotions and what not.

I THINK, we should all be allowed to express what is in our heart. EXPRESS not actually and immediately ACT upon it. And those people who PREVENT expression should shut up and I guess be heard on things they want to be heard at. Now, respect and compassion will surface as values needed for such freedom.

We should use our senses to express the light and darkness within us.  Shutting Lady Gaga down on her concert for me is not the right thing to do, rather, if protesters and the religious sector would want to EXPRESS, they should tell their followers simply not to support the show. Lady Gaga or Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta maybe the Judas herself. She feels like a demon or a person unworthy of love and wants it badly.

These are artistic expressions and let's not even begin with its limitations, let's just talk about expression. These are her expressions of the things inside her. I personally believe that we are human beings and we have inside ourselves light and darkness. All should be expressed. Until we are purified from light and darkness, what's left is a soul that simply accepts and loves.

The war between light and dark plays an important role in all mythologies, religions and art forms. And now, why do we relate such "trivial" things hinder expression. It is what it is. There's that eternal play between yin and yang, ebb and flow again, light and dark. So expressing something negative is bad and something positive is good. SO?

I would like to reiterate that this is not about taking action as to expression. Saying, "I really want to choke him to death..." should be left to expression and it's sake. Responsibility now comes as to the action that will or will not be taken.

Expression shouldn't be deleted, controlled or whatever. It is simply such. If Gaga desecrates a church and rides a bike with his Judas video "minions" then I'll be in the forefront of rallies and will "cast the first stone" because I would never do that.

Though I am not heard by someone though countless things have been already expressed to my "target", I might every now and then be angry and ask my friends to calm me, might gossip but will never PHYSICALLY ATTACK. Yes I know, words cut deeper, it is mightier than the sword.

Will it set-up someone to do what one says? I don't think so. Release work of the shadow in our hearts will let our light shine through. I think that it is a decluttering mechanism of human beings to express their darkness (for light) in different methods. Some paint, create "controversial" music, some drink, smoke whatever. 

Expression shouldn't be stopped. Reckless ACTS of violence should be.

AND IF EVER, I told that Jessica Sanchez should win and not Phillip Phillips don't stop me. Neither should someone make everyone stop expressing because it's not right. Just declare what you feel about Phillip Phillips winning. For me that's the better way to CONVERT the Angry Mob.

HELLO? GOD just let us expressed and He even died for us. He still loved us. Let us follow that. And now, that my anger over these people who are not able to understand such expressions, I am more calm and in perspective.

I know it has happened to everyone, express it and what remains is the love. Express!

Casting the First Stone

An impulsive need to write down the things in my mind while reading Joseph Bonifacio's blog on Gaga.

I just thought of something quite interesting while reading the part on casting the first stone. We are human beings. We all sin therefore no one can really cast that first stone or I guess be the judge of somebody else.

Therefore, I think, people create our own hell here in this world where it is easy for everyone to just throw stones even to their loved ones.

Compassion and Love for me are two values that might cure this senseless "throwing". We are all in pain and hopefully, we cradle and love each other. Now, that's heaven on Earth for me. That's heaven and love on a dying world. That's life.

Not even God cast it, but I would like to suppose that He talked to her and let His love see the adulterer through. :)

Noincidence

Exactly a year after my loneliness post, is when I am surprised by my blog coming back to life. It just appeared in of my chrome tabs and voila! clicked it and saw a post from last year.

Last year it was about Travis. This year its about me. Almost as lonely but I am not actually. Loneliness this time around didn't come in the guise of a bad break-up; it's actually my almost over dramatic self acting up.

I want to be lonely or should I say, I feel lonely but I know I can shift from it. It's just that, I want it to rot, I guess. But then again, while writing this post, I feel overly dramaticizing this post. Almost as if, I just want to write something. Or do something.

I just feel nothing yet something inside me is just smiling. I am not numb its, I guess, what it feels like to totally surrender to a master plan of the one who created me, maybe out of his own loneliness too...

Creativity uses a lot of fuel. It taps every energy source be it physical, emotional or even spiritual, I presume. It entails use of energy. We are Alchemists that transmute energies to whatever we like.

We are creators and users of energy, We tap into the mysterious (as Dragon Age would term it) Fade and get our dreams manifested.

But we just create. Quality comes no longer from us but from a perfect source. It won't be as perfect as we want it to be unless we create more and more and more to hone, sharpen our skills. And the idea of honing one's skills in whatever chosen art form is, for me, a skill of tapping into to the great unknown and mystery called GOD.

I Surrender. I just do, and I'll let God take care of the quality of my surrender. :)

Loneliness

I write about the feelings of solitude... I am starting to feel...

Questions suddenly jam my head from thinking straight... What will I do after? Is there a way to connect to people from across the country? Will the friends here stay forever?

Unjamming these stuck queries that I may think well... Just be in the now. :D

Enjoy... Life has been continuously offering me good, either as it is or in the guise of a bad break up...

Cry, feel, enjoy... Harness the energy to create... To create more. Joy, Laughter, Love from pain, hate and sorrow.

BE! and let go for I do not know. :D

Enough said!

where things are simply enough...

Believing in past lives...

I BE-LIVE that I have been rich...

I BE-LIVE that I have been poor...

I BE-LIVE that I have been into great relationships...

I BE-LIVE that I have been through worst...

I BE-LIVE that I have been a straight guy...

I BE-LIVE that I of course, have been a straight girl...

That's why I BE-LIVE that right now...

Where things feel and is in the MIDDLE...

I can eat...

I don't have a car...

I can cry about flings and MUs...

I can savor the AUs...

(suddenly, Madonna's Borderline plays... hahaha! listening to 80s for an event)

I have been through either a guy or a girl's highs and lows...

I BE-LIVE this lifetime teaches me about being the MIDDLE...

NO. NOT MEDIOCRITY.

But just saying that where ever I am...

It's simply enough...

And when things feel not enough...

I'll DO IT...

I'll follow my heart's desire to create and BE more...

A morning of hopes...

An afternoon of work...

An evening of prayer and again, telling myself...

I am simply enough... :D

destreate

a deep sense of something.. something that's troubling me... i move into mission...

I write... feelings of frustration and guilt...

of sadness and loss of hope... it looms... GOD was indeed so magnificent in His creations... I cannot imagine... I cannot conquer... I am human... I am being... Though this being of infinite power cannot comprehend world's, GOD's infinite plan... it remains a mystery...

A mystery of divine will... the will that incarnated one God, to experience the human's mystery... to experience faith...

Faith, not seeing... just believing... doing things blindly... for what is inner produces outer... results based on love... on hate... on feelings... on commitment... on anger... translated to spending the whole day with someone, wanting to kill someone...

Fear, seeing... seeing through preconceptions... seeing through what will be... foresight... GOD has this... fear... strike terror, strike floods, for if people did not die nor experience wrath... they will not change... a foresight... fear turning to floods, quakes...

Love, seeing blindly... for whatever matters... sanity is intact... but love, makes us choose insanity instead... a strong feeling... an inner desire... love that brought a God to earth to save it...

Learning... GOD learned? of course... Infinite wisdom... infinite... everything... from wrath and hate to love and salvation... from the Father to the Son...

Hope... The real 3D begins... Where is the Holy Spirit? I don't see Him... Faith... that will let me see the last of the Christian Gods...

Where is He? It's in me... Do I see? Faith. I can love, stay with you the whole night... Fear? I want to be with him... I don't want to be alone? Yes... I don't. See yet not... Fear creates our reality...

Did GOD also want companionship? That's why He created mankind..? Fear creates reality... Love molds it into what we want to feel... experience...

Inventions, innovations... help mankind... love them... Hate, destruction, war... Hope to recreate... instill fear... recreate... remold... where is faith?

From creation... GOD's faith that we won't betray Him... 'til destruction... Hoping to find a new place... a new sanctuary... a new self...

HUMANS are indeed programmed... to self destruct and be recreated...

by faith, hope and love...

Laminin

Just read an email (what do they call that again?), some email and it said that our body would literally fall apart if not for Laminins. These proteins, like a glue and that looks like a cross (LINK: http://www.sigmaaldrich.com/etc/medialib/life-science/metabolomics/enzyme-explorer/laminin.Par.0001.Image.484.gif), sticks every cell of our body together, so! Thanks Laminin! for keeping us together! :)

Just last night I said yes, again, to a friend who have, well, supported me when I call her to mend my whatevers. Thinking of the prices to pay for such commitments and responsibilities and if I were ready to face my friends who also care for me and their preconceived notions about supporting.

Well... I felt that we have sown divisiveness among comrades towards taking that future of an earth where nobody is left behind. Call it undoing, or "bawi", I'd rather tidy things up and work on my relationships rather than rest. I just don't want the labels. :)

Well... I know that they are a bit hard to handle, knowing some of them are the worst kind of brats here on Earth. But hey! Growth is what I would like to term it. :) and it indeed doesn't stop.

Well... Rest... I can always have my own slice of that whenever I choose to. My life on hold? Who said I'm putting it on que while I'm being of support? I won't. At least I won't do that again.

BUT! Reality indeed bites hard right now. I'll handle it before I begin this life that I've wished. :)

(insert why I have discussed about Laminin earlier, here) I'm so going to make this work. I'm so not going for divisiveness amongst equals (at least not me). I won't make it hard for me but I will do my best! "Light and Charming!" and finally, of course... Get my life more exciting by having a bonggang bonggang job!!! :0 yey! And Laminin... will bind all these... through the Cross... :)

Hey! I know what to do na! Confess then go to church again. :)

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again...

Resonance
My soul responds to his. There are certain similarities that I share with him and I feel that if ever we (or he chooses to) opt to be with each other towards the journey called Life, I'll surely feel lightest knowing I have a comrade towards the Light. The path towards illumination sometimes can be really lonely, and right now I have to be clear with why I want him so much in my life. I want him, I don't need him, better if there'll be an us, but I turn this over to letting my desire direct my actions without being attached to the results of such. I let go and I let God.

Sex
Why don't I want to do it? Such a sensitive matter. I have strong beliefs that if I do it with the same sex, then it's bad. I guess that's what keeps me from totally embracing my gayness. The fact that certain actions will lead me to sin. Having to do such acts of violence towards the body that does not lead to procreation is labeled as something that is taboo by the religious sector. Impositions of the sector led to my upbringing, hence sex is something I have always held back.

I think that he can help me with it. This is the first time I've heard another being telling people (though he is straight?) that sex is also bad. He may have his own issues with such acts but I still would like to think that he can help with it. Why? Because when I was even younger, I asked Him to give someone who can lead me to Him. Is he the one? Again, I wouldn't really know. SO anyway, the question is,do I want to have sex? Yes, but one thing's for sure, I am just bent. I want to go back.

Intimacy
I just want to share with him, just want to watch movie with again, do things and sleep together. Teach kids with him. Have dinner. Tell stories under a blanket. Care for the world. Create music. Create things and leave the world. :)

Commitment
I would have wanted to write down that it was his issue, but hey! I'll take ownership.

I am not afraid of it. Just vigilant as to whom I'll give it to. Not really over-thinking and not too giving. Ooops! Caught myself there. I'll start sharing even more.

Triangular theory of Love
There are 3 elements, go to wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companionate_love

Pronounce. Pronoun. Pronunciation.

Four mistakes! Weeee!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

TODAY...

Today is the day.

Today... somebody asked me.... why can't we get our results? why do we always get redirected...

I just realized, it's our choice...

I never had friends... not because they don't consider me as one, but because I really didn't consider them as someone who we will be...

I guess it first started, when even my own family didn't love me... they were not able to fully accept me for who I am and what i can do.

So my life progressed, me being that same person with other human being... i cannot fully accept you and will not be able to fully believe that you can do something unless you have already...

So beagan the journey of hopeless times, feeling alone... all by myself... and actually depending on something bigger, something more powerful than everyone whom i can depend on... that's my God.

For a while, it gave me some peace of mind knowing that someone is creating my future for me... Someone BIGGER is leading me somewhere... and right now, He led me somewhere, where I can depend on Him and me while letting me vulnerable with my emotions....

I can say that He locked my emotions. he let me hide it from the world. He let hide the REAL me from everyone.

People say I am too real... people say I am too tackless... honest.... but in reality... it's just because i want them to experience their sadness in order to get over with it...

Independence... is what I've learned from He who created me...

Human as I am, not seeing the majestic plan (not until now) i felt I was just someone used to better things, to better other people, excluding myself... and that was my cross to carry...

Now...

I still firmly believe that my life will never be easy... that I will still have my own cross to carry until I die... the difference now is... I share my load... I love...

Tonight, was about me telling myself I have people around me to support me... Tonight is about telling myself, though I have my own cross to carry and they have too... it's a bit easier when you have someone along your path to help you with it, to wipe our face and help you leave your mark, for someone to be a mother to help you through it all, for someone to believe that you will rise up again from your death after three days...

I don't call them disciples... I call them...

Friends...

Friends who may at some point in time, deny you for they own sake.

Friends who at some point will question you...

Friends who at a certain moment will leave you to your own...

Friends, whom you just love and feel love from are faltering based on your judgment but actually never left you... they were just praying and endlessly hoping that one day, you'll see each other in light...

This is the FIRST day in my life... that I would like to acknowledge that indeed, I've never made my life so wonderful and so overwhlemingly beautiful without the people who denied me, who believed in me, who hated, who loved me...

Come to think of it... I have far too many friends (that I've finally acknowledged) to thank for their unending love and gratitude to me.

I never knew... I may look like asshole right now, telling all my friends (whom I've known for so long now) that this is actually the first time I will actually thank them from the bottom of my heart.

I'll do great for these people. I'll do my best for these people. Because they made me believe that I can Be... whoever I want myself to be... :)

Emotional Stability

August 7, 2010.

It was rather a balanced day, so to speak. A very sunny morning transitioning to a stormy night.

This day had my emotions, berserk. Like the perfect movie where there was happiness and comdey when I woke up, suddenly turning into a bit of horror as I stumbled upon a video on youtube called "The Fourth Kind" and researched in NatGeo about those things being questioned for their authenticity, finally deciding to watch the movie where I found myself, terrified and a whole lot paranoid. Then, some action as my dad threatened to hurt me. I picked up a hammer I saw and threatened him back (course, I wouldn't hurt him...). Finally, i went to our reunion where I found myself being so loved and cared for.

I don't know what to do... I want to cry... I just feel that I had a total day... For sure, I want to cry, I'm at the edge of my emotions. I am in love and I am terrified... (I'm actually listening to Katharine McPhee and Zachary Levi sing it)... it's exactly how I feel...

Purification of Love can really be a terrifying journey... I am afraid of my own power...

I called a friend... She's going to be with me later... Thank you Lord... :)

Light/Dark

To open up one's heart. That's scary.

When I got home from an Intense Experience, I was to change my clothes before I got to sleep. I usually don't mid what shirt I am to wear, long as it is a shirt, it's all good.

But this day was different.

I got this "comfy" shirt (I call it comfy because, it has holes everywhere, air can breeze my body), and realized that all this time, that shirt always made me feel safe. The shirt made me look bad so that people won't believe me. It was all about staying in a space where people can leave me alone.

It was my 3 year story when I got into a company that changes companies :o actually they don't. They only make people aware of their choices in their lives and gives the people responsibility towards whatever the result may be.

In this company, you are rarely given a chance to change other people's lives. It is because, people have to make their lives work first before changing other people. But hey! who said we change them, all we can change is ourselves, and I believe that wounded as everyone is, that person can still inspire other people to move forward.

I believed.

And so, though my life didn't work, I held into a quote, "Fake it until you make it". I faked it... Feeling that I was already alright, that I am good but actually, I wasn't.

Though... I am good... I was still able to coach other people...

Coaching dragged me into my immense darkness, how my anger can hurt, how my lies can inflict pain etc. and people's expectations around me aroused the darkness again, by actually forgetting about myself and going into the pleasing mode where I found myself so lost... I've never experienced myself so detached to myself. I was a zombie.

And as a zombie, I was so hard with myself and the people around me, but like in any other choice, this undead feeling gave me the gene to make bulls eye feedbacks about other people's pain and misery and drama etc. Because hello? I'm in it.

This zombie made great feats and had some friends, but because I am never content, like a vampire longing for blood, frenzied by this inner disgust in life, I still kept my true self locked away.

Until finally, a certain journey made me feel as if I was actually alive.

This journey to outer space made me feel that life was actually beautiful, limitless and just is. This is the journey where I found myself surrendering to the infinity within. I remember the last part of the Intense experience I had. So many people loved me and it was that message from God that told me, you cannot possibly imagine how immense my love is, here have a taste of it. :)

That powerful experience immediately unlocked all the things that the inner me can give. That inner self who is not afraid, who is vulnerable, who cries because of joy, who is loved, who is celebrated and who is so loving and powerful, who is God's speck of his Glorious Love.

Yes, I am a speck of light. :) of God's light. That light that once gave me a chance to live again. Speck? it's so small... yes it is... because that day, I remember GOD showing me how His is so big and so powerful. Speck? Yes it is! A speck that will soon inspire other specks to show their light until everyone is so luminous, we'll make our God proud.

This Light in me, gave me a chance to love again, to be loved, to give and to receive, to serve and to love more and more and more each day.

That's why when I got home, I didn't choose the shirt that was so messed up, I am over my zombie days, but I would like to acknowledge that phase in my life where I learned to be surrounded by so much darkness and yet finding my way back into love. That was the time I learned about other people's hurts and pains in order for my light to be a light of compassion and love.

I finally chose another shirt, it was colored orange. a symbol of Joy, and I picked a shorts that is black, symbolizing power and the light. :)

Because hey... how can this speck move other specks if it was not able to see the littlest of light amidst the darkness... :)

God.Sun.Moon.Faith

Hello blogging! I missed you so much! :)

Just last night, when I was heading home from a usual Friday "Cheat Day" (that time during the week, where I can smoke to my heart's content and lungs capacity and drink drink and drink..), I REALIZED something.

As I was looking at the night blue sky... I just felt creative and started thinking about the Moon that during the night time, when everyone is at their bluest moment, or they feel like darkness is shrouding them, lights made made by men provide light to all. During nights of doubt or fear, I am taught how to ask for support from other people, friends and family. This is the time when God is just shining us a bit of His rays through the Moon. A time when His love is being giving me hope through a ray of moonlight and is being surrounded by lights called "friends and family".

During the day, when the Sun is at its highest, this is the time when God is manifesting directly to me. :) rays and rays of hope and love is showered upon me and I am asked to live my life to the highest level because life is passion and passion is love.

I also thought of those times when the sun is longer than the moon. Summer. During this time, we are reminded by Christ's passion in the cross to show his love to us. It is during these times that the day is longer than night tells us to live longer, give more and live our passion more.

On the other hand, when the moon shows up more than the sun. Winter. During these months, we are now more depressed than ever, even sadder or just feels like sleeping more and more because of problems. It is during these times of sadness or tribulation that we are reminded through Christmas, the birth of a child, the birth of hope anew, the birth of love. No matter how long the night maybe as long as we have friends and family with us to love us and show us the Love God is giving us then it will be better.

As it always have...

I am... VI - VII - X - XII - XIII

I just love these ladies of Final Fantasy.

(from right)

Tina Bradford from FF VI and Final Fantasy Dissidia, a mysterious gal both
human and esper.

The Materia Hunter and extra jumpy Yuffie Kisaragi, a ninja, from Final Fantasy VII.

Both elegant and fierce are the things I can say about Lulu from FF X.

Graceful as she maybe, Fran from FF XII is also
a force to reckon with as she is adept in using all weapons in the game.

Lightning, the Final Fantasy XIII main character seems
to be a pessimist but I feel that she is someone who knows how to take charge and fight for what is right. Can't wait to see her in action.

Can't wait for FF XIII in PS3. :p

Hmmmm.... Hopefully before I die I can still play the 1000th Final Fantasy. hahaha! :p

...Natural...

I just love the unstable stability given to me right now.

I love being all out yet taking it slow.

I like telling affirmations and hiding nasty things about me and other people.

I want my fast paced slow poke self when it comes to work.

I like squeezing in 8 hours of sleep in a 24 hour shift at office.

I love being in the middle while pushing limits.

I love looking, staring, turning my back and looking again somewhat feeling that that someone is also looking back.

I love owning my dreams, being in a relationship with the people I love and still being me.

I love music. Pop to reggae to ambient. Went to Xaymaca.

I always ask myself why am I always put in a situation when all things seems worst...

Because I can love and create GREAT things through it.

TT is the next BISIG.

Therefore... I will be here... I will stay... I will learn... I will grow... I will create... I will honor my Creators... and I will love...

I am here. I am staying. I am growing. I am creating. I am honoring my Creators... and I am Love...

O dba?!

Somewhere in between

May I just say that, being between decisions is really hard.

It is not confusion its more of a decision that requires time and people (either lifting you or pulling you down) plus internal and external factors that makes it hard because letting time tell me the answer while at a "Carpe Diem" stance requires a lot of TRUST.

With work.

Finally I got to decide where I will spend the next 2 years, in Events, again. Still waiting for the medical exams to finally identify me as a suitable applicant for the position. Will just wait for 2 days. anticipating the event. Well whatever happens I am sure that it is for a reason because if I'm not qualified, I will pursue medicine quite earlier than I planned it to materialize.

With a relationship.

People are showing up and much as I want to hasten the process for me and them, I would love to just sit back, do my thing, be a friend to that tall guy and all his friends and see what happens. I know I am feeling something I'm not sure what it is but I will let time and I guess clarity to guide through this.

With friends and family.

It's such a blast. This part maybe one of the things that are working for me though at times it gets tough, I still manage to handle things with grace and the Ms. Universe composure.

With God.

Being in Integrity to my words are important for me as of the moment, so when I say that I want to open all my chakras from sexuality to spirituality, I will. Maybe it's the answer to what some Wicked witch of the north was asking, why is the wizard's life working while being in touch with his sexuality, the answer is, for me, WILL and INTEGRITY to one's word. The human will to be whole.

"I wish to hasten but time slows it. I want it to last but time robs it from me. But all the time, time was constant, it was just me and my emotions wanting, seeking. I wish to wait for time to give me and trust time to make it last for me."

2:13 am entry

A 2:13 in the morning entry in this blog. For some odd reason, I just wanted to write and blurt out my feelings here...

But I'd rather keep it to myself...

Confusion? Yes...

A conscious stream of thoughts surging while I am playing Vespers by Bong Rosario and Jay Gomez.

All I want is to be all that I can Be as God planned and willed it.

I would like to, FINALLY, realign. I want this to end, I want the suffering to end. It feels like I am pushed in the wall, and usually, when enough is enough, I stand up, pick up the pieces and fight once and for all.

My agony is caused by me, my pain is caused by me therefore any change that will happen has to be caused by me. Change, hopefully, geared towards personal growth, love and faith.

Never mind all the things that I have suffered in the past, I am forgiving myself for everything, specifically every damage I may have done to my self and others. I am reaching out again. I am not holding back anymore. I won't use sleep as a form of escape anymore. I am tired, tired of days that I sit idly at my computer chair and ask myself questions all about what might have beens and the alike.

I am breaking free, I am living and I know with LIVING comes the VULNERABILITY to a higher purpose, to a higher calling.

I want to earn, I want things but I know that ultimately I will surrender everything to God. So why not surrender first everything to Him then get whatever I can through Him.

I am tired of selfish desires that makes me uneasy before I sleep.

I am tired of blaming myself for psat mistakes, petty or huge, I forgive myself.

I am tired, I want to rest.

Rest in the thought of I am safe, loved and is still able to love.

___________________________________________________________________

Thank you to those people who saw me at my highs and lows.

Those who were never afraid to take a chance with me.

Those who are hoping for a brighter future for they saw potential in me.

I will LIVE UP to what is GIVEN to me. I will USE every TALENT given to me.

I will LOVE for real now. I'll fake it until I make it.

Unmasking is a hard thing to do, but it will be a lot easier with a broken ego and the willingness to move forward!

I will let my face shine again, the real me, the genuine, my truth will surface again.

I am a GIFT, a gift of love, compassion and joy!

I am Wesley Pristin.